What now? The two directions of grief (and a story of a developing a podcast!)

What now?  

When I was a Grief and Supportive Care Counselor for Hospice Peterborough, I heard this question hundreds of times. I heard it asked  - with all the accompanying emotions – by people who were shattered by the death of someone they love. I also heard it asked by beleaguered individuals and family members after receiving a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness.

Grief lives in the pull of two directions. In one direction - the past - grief tries to make sense out of what has happened. The death and what led up to that, the event of the death and how and where and why. Grief wants to tell the story of what happened. It tries to look away but is drawn back to this life altering event.

The other direction is future. In the midst of a person telling me the story of the death, there was often a pause, followed by “What am I going to do now?  How will I ever do this without them?”  Looking into the future, they realize the impact of the loss of that person and the role that they played in their life.

We know grief is the experience of all loss, not only death loss. I experienced grief as I came to that point in life that we never really expect to happen - retirement. Like many life events that engage an ending, grief is present as it should be. It is not that retirement was the wrong decision for me, but rather it was because it was the right decision that the feelings of loss and sadness stayed with me. In this grief, I sat with my decision which I knew was the right one. But it felt like all grief does: a loss of life as I knew and experienced it. Although I had told people that I now had more control of my life – and I did – I also mourned that I had given up a great deal and I wondered about what lie ahead.  

Grief pulls us in these two directions.

During the last year of my work at Peterborough Hospice, I was working with two colleagues who were job sharing the other full-time position of a Supportive Care Counselor. Red, Julie and I had known each other for years, having worked in and around palliative care and grief. On Tuesdays each week, when the three of us were together, we would debrief our work. These conversations were energizing, so much so that we came to see the importance of sharing what we encountered and learned about grief beyond our walls.

“We should do a podcast!”

Red and I were the old guys, and Julie was the techno person who was constantly listening to podcasts. Julie put it out there: the three of us just sharing what we know and have learned and maybe finding some guests to help too. The key idea was to create a resource for people who were not able to see a counselor, or for a friend of someone in grief, or for family of a person with a life- threatening illness.

And so began a journey for me into the totally unfamiliar territory of podcasting.

We were encouraged by the Peterborough Hospice Executive Director and the Development team and given some start up funding to purchase studio microphones and mixer. Together with a volunteer crew, we launched!

Of course, the first item that we had to attend to was a title. We brainstormed and came to the conclusion of giving voice to that question that we have heard – and even said – over and over: What Now?  We added a descriptor and the final title was decided on: What Now: On The Threshold Of Life, Death and Grief.

There is no ego in this for any of us, just simply the desire to share important insights that we have learned over the years from people in grief and along the palliative journey.  The podcast has been very well received and despite limited marketing skills and tools, we were encouraged and supported by the Development Team at Hospice.  We simply put the word out and it slowly began to gain listeners.

As we enter our third season, having produced 32 episodes, the podcast continues to gather listeners.  It has exceeded 18,000 downloads in over 66 countries. I have been amazed at the willingness of busy, prominent people in the field of grief and palliative care to be guests on the podcast. Their specific areas of expertise have been amazing and the resource that this brings to professionals and volunteers working in this field is fabulous. Further, the goal to be a resource for anyone facing grief or life-threatening illness has been validated by so many encouraging emails and notes. We also had the goal to keep the podcast conversational and relaxed, just as our debriefing sessions were. I think we have succeeded in this approach.

Retirement brought normal and healthy grief for me, which not only allowed me time to reflect in gratitude for the years of meaningful and fulfilling work, but also encouraged me to ask the question: What Now?  I am so grateful for my colleagues, Julie and Red, for their incredible wisdom and experience and for Hospice Peterborough for facilitating a meaningful answer to my question: What Now?  I guess for now the answer is: Podcasting.

Check out the What Now? On the Threshold of Life, Death and Grief podcast.