Photo by Alfo Medeiros
I had the pleasure of presenting some of my ideas about grief literacy at the recent Good Life, Good Death conference held in Arichat, (Richmond County) Nova Scotia, organized by the Seniors Take Action Coalition. After my talk, I was asked a question that I think warrants repeating and answering in more detail: When is the right time to offer grief support?
Answering this question made me think about another question: When is the best time to plant a tree? The best time to plant a tree is 25 years ago, or today. For grief, both yesterday and today are the exact right time to offer grief support.
In other words, now is always the right time to be grief aware. While there may be a good time of year to plant a tree, grief has no calendar. Grief has no timeline, nor does it have rules or norms. If grief does have any norms at all, it is that no two griefs, or grievers, will ever be the same.
Grief is always unique to each griever, and to each grief that they experience. How I grieved my cat’s death was not the same as when her brother died two years later. How my family members experienced these deaths was not the same as how I experienced them.
Grief is always unique each time it shows up. And that is – at least partly – why it can be a deeply lonely experience. You can never share your grief completely with another person, because it is uniquely yours. Only you can really know your own grief – and even then, it can feel like a mystery even to you.
So, what does this mean for grief support? It means that there will never be a perfect way or time to support a griever. Instead, we need to be doing two things at the same time:
First, we need to be planting seeds – now – so that everyone increases their grief awareness. We need to be talking together with young people in schools, bringing compassion into our workplaces, making our public places more aware of the grief that all our citizens are carrying.
Second, we need to show up for grievers as supportive family members, friends, colleagues, and fellow citizens. I think the best way to show up is, as podcaster Lisa Keefauver says: “Shut up. Show up. Listen. And keep showing up.”
-Showing up means not shying away when you hear an admission of grief. Instead, lean in and be curious, open, and non-judgemental. Perhaps they don’t want to talk today – that is okay! Follow their lead. Maybe you are not the right person they want to talk to, or maybe today is just not the right day. But maybe you are, and today is the day. Sometimes showing up means coming back around because you did not respond when you heard it the first time.
-If today is the right day, then shut up! Shutting up means not offering advice unless specifically asked. And, not telling your own story when you are listening to someone else’s story.
-Listening means more than simply hearing. Deep, quiet listening takes effort. This effort is what allows you to retain details and be truly curious.
-Finally, keep showing up means remembering the details that you heard, and circling back the next time you see that person again. You can also send a message or a card on key dates and anniversaries to let them know they are in your thoughts. This lets them know that you really heard them, and honour what they told you.
So, when is the right time to offer grief support? Now is always the right time. And when you do offer support, remember to follow the person’s lead, and to keep showing up. It takes a long time to grow a tree, no matter when you plant it.
