What Bridget Jones Teaches Us About Grief

 

Grief is Not a Checklist and Bridget Jones Shows Us That.

My name is Aoife Lynam, and I have been researching grief since my Undergraduate degree when I trained to become a teacher.  The reason I am writing this blog is because something happened in 2006 that has led to nearly two decades of thinking about, researching, and teaching about grief.  

One day in May 2006, as I was beginning to teach a new group of 8-year-olds, a girl who I had never met returned to school on the very day that I was starting.  She had not been in school because her mother had died by suicide the week before. I was frozen. I was terrified. What would I say? What would I do? How could I make sure that I did not make things worse for her? I did not know it then, but that experience changed the trajectory of my life.  While I have met many more bereaved children and adults since then, I have been thinking about her for nearly two decades, and trying to understand grief and how we can help children who experience bereavement. This might have you wondering what any of this has to do with Bridget Jones.  Bear with me.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about grief, personally, and professionally. Like many people, I used to believe it came in five stages. That is what we have all been told, yes?  From cartoons to movies, the ‘five stages of grief’ (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are everywhere (even in an episode of The Simpsons). Which leads us to the latest Bridget Jones film, Mad About the Boy.  There is a poignant scene in which Bridget and her close friends gather at a wine bar to discuss her grief following the death of her husband, Mark Darcy. During this conversation, they begin to talk about the “stages of grief” (you can imagine the eye-rolling I was doing at this stage). One friend remarks, “According to the classic model, you have made it to the fourth stage. Only one stage to go, acceptance.” This prompts a debate among the group about the actual number of grief stages, highlighting the common misconception that grief follows a linear path.

So Why Do the Five Stages Still Stick?

The idea of five neat stages originated with psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who developed the model in 1969. But here’s the thing: Kübler-Ross was describing the emotional process of people facing their own impending death, not those grieving the death of a loved one. Over time, the model was misunderstood and adopted as a universal roadmap for those grieving.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if grief had a calendar, with a final checkpoint: acceptance. Cue the music, roll the credits. We have graduated from grief and can now begin life again.  But for many of those grieving, that is not the reality.  

So, What Does Grief Really Look Like?

Since the 1990s, grief researchers have been exploring more compassionate and realistic models. One that deeply resonates with me is the Dual Process Model, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. This model suggests that we do not move through grief in a straight line. Instead, we oscillate between confronting the pain of the loss and stepping into moments of normalcy or even joy.  You might find yourself crying in the morning, laughing at a friend’s joke by lunch, and then, feeling guilty about the laughter. That back-and-forth is not only typical, it is also healthy.  Another important shift in understanding came with the ‘continuing bonds’ theory: Instead of encouraging people to ‘let go’ of the person they lost, this approach recognises that we often stay connected to them in meaningful ways. Through memories, rituals, photos, or simply carrying them with us emotionally, those who have died remain part of our lives. Grief, in this view, is not about severing ties. It is about redefining them and that feels like a beautiful gift to give to those whom we love.

Bridget Jones and the Bond That Remains

The eye-rolling soon stopped for me with Mad About the Boy as Bridget comes to the realisation that she does not need to erase Mark from her life. She reflects on how he still influences her as a parent, a person, and a presence in her daily life. It is a quiet moment, but a powerful one.  In that final reflection, the movie hints at something deeper than ‘acceptance.’ It embraces the idea of continuing bonds: that love doesn’t end, it evolves.  That moment made space for the reality that we do not have to remove those who have died from our lives. We move forward with them.  I think that Bridget Jones encapsulated this in a beautiful way, all on her own, recognising her lived experience rather than the societal expectations of reaching ‘acceptance’ and moving on.

Why This Matters

You might be wondering: Why does this academic stuff matter? Isn’t it just semantics? Why does Aoife spend her time pondering on a movie that is supposed to be light-hearted entertainment? I believe that if someone is grieving, the way we frame grief matters deeply. If you have been told there are five stages, and you do not feel like you are progressing ‘correctly,’ you might wonder if something is wrong with you. You are not broken. The model you have been told about is just outdated.  Grief is not a task to finish or a problem to solve. It is a natural part of love and life.

Where We Go From Here

We need more stories that reflect the real, nonlinear, deeply human process of grieving. Stories where people laugh and cry at the same time. Where they take three steps forward and two steps back. Where love and death co-exist, not cancel each other out.  And maybe, when we see those stories, we will start being a little gentler with ourselves and each other.  Because as Bridget Jones says, “. . . even though there might be 600,000 words in the human language, the world still struggles to find the right ones when someone you love is gone.” 

References

Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement:
Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197- 224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046

Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.