What does it mean to grieve ‘well’?

Photo by Jeremie Saunders

We recently had the pleasure of being guests on the podcast, Sickboy (you can listen to that episode here. It was a live recording at the Halifax Central Library (so much fun!) During the conversation, co-host Jeremie Saunders made a comment that has stuck with us since. Jeremie observed that he “did not grieve well” and had been “a bad griever” after his beloved dog Bigby died. In the moment this comment went unaddressed. But it has stuck with us and so we are coming back to it here.

What does it mean to ‘grieve well’? And that begs the question: Is there a way to grieve that is ‘bad’?

Thinking about these questions led us to also wonder: How do we learn to grieve?

Most of us learn early in life how to walk and to speak a language. Later, we learn to read. While walking and speaking are generally modelled to us, reading takes a bit more attention and explicit teaching.

When we make a language mistake, when we slip and fall, when we make mistakes when reading, does that mean we were not doing these things well or are bad at them?

Sometimes it is just a mistake, and sometimes it means we need to learn more. And that is why our parents, our siblings, our friends, our teachers, our networks lean in and help us to improve these essential abilities.

What about grief?  Who models or teaches us to grieve? Who leans in and encourages us? How do we learn to grieve and how do we know if we are doing it ‘well’?

The truth is, few of us have been shown how to grieve. Grieving is rarely modelled: children are kept away from funeral visitations, and adults keep their tears behind closed doors. ‘Don’t fall apart in front of the children! Be strong for the children! In fact, be strong for everyone!’

That means grieving is rarely modeled in our families, schools, or broader social situations.

Given that we are not taught to grieve, we’re mostly doing the best that can be expected. But therein sits our insecurity: we ask and judge ourselves: ‘Are we grieving well?’

Another important truth is that there is no right way to grieve. This means we should not judge ourselves – or anyone – when grieving.

At Grief Matters, we dream of a world in which we are taught about grief and grieving, starting at young ages. If we all knew more about grief, saw more grief explicitly around us, understood how unique it can be for each person, how typical it is in the face of loss, we would all be better off. And if myths about grief were busted, maybe we would all know that we grieve as we each need to. We dream of a world in which people do not feel the pressure to grieve ‘well.’ Instead, they understand that we all need to be kind to ourselves and others in grief.

And Jeremie would know that he is grieving for Bigby just as he needs to.